lzhq008

I'm Trying to Stop It "Boy, why have you got cotton-wool in your ear? Is it infected?" "No, sir, but you said yesterday that everything you told me went in one ear and out the other , so I am trying to stop it." “孩子，你为什么用棉花塞住耳朵？它感染了吗？” “没有，老师。 可是你昨天说你告诉我的知识都是一个耳朵里进， 一个耳朵里出， 所以我要把它堵在里面。 ” 英语幽默故事带翻译2 “I'm sorry ，Madam ，but I shall have to charge you twenty dollars for pulling your boy's tooth .” “Twenty d ollars! Why ，I understand you to say that you charged only four dollars for such work!” “Yes ，but this youngster yelled so terribly that he scared four other patients out of the office .” “对不起，夫人，为您孩 子拔牙我要收取20美元。” “20美元！为什么？不是说好只要4美元。” “是的，但是你 的孩子大喊大叫，把另外四个病人吓跑了。” 英语幽默故事带翻译3 TWO： Teacher：We all know that beat causes an object to expand an cold cauese it to contract. Now，can anyone give me a good example? John：Well ，in the summer the days are long，and in the winter the days are short. 老师：我们都知道热胀冷缩的 道理。现在，谁给我举个例子？ 约翰：嗯，在夏天天都长，在冬天天都短。 英语幽默故事带翻译4 The lecturer on evolution had been going on for nearly two hours. then he started again, and said he:"Let me ask the evolutionist a question --- if we had tails like a baboon, where are they?" "I'll venture an answer, " said an old lady. "We have worn them off sitting here so long.". 教进化论的老师已经滔滔不绝地讲了快两个小时， 他的话题又来了： “让我向进化论者提个问题——如果我们曾经像狒狒那样长着尾巴， 那么 现在尾巴到哪里去了？” “我来试试看，”一位老太太说。 “该是我们在这里坐这么久把 它们磨掉了吧。” 其余的事我负责  
I'll See to the Rest A guard was about to signal his train to start when he saw an attractive girl standing on the platform by an open door, talking to another pretty girl inside the carriage. "Come on, miss!" he shouted. "Shut the door, please!" "Oh, I just want to kiss my sister goodbye," she called back. "You just shut that door, please," called the guard, "and I'll see to the rest." 一位列车员正要发出信号让火车启动， 这时他看见一位很漂亮的姑娘站在站台上一节打 开的车厢门旁边，跟车厢里另一位漂亮姑娘在说话。 “快点，小姐!”他喊道：“请把门关上。” “噢，我还没有和妹妹吻别呢。”她回答道。 “请把门关上好了，”列车员说：“其余的事由我负责。” 老夫妻吵架 An Old Couple's Quarrel A couple of codgers got into a quarrel and came before the local magistrate. The loser, turning to his opponent in a combative frame of mind mind（心绪,心情）, cried: "I'll law you to the Circuit Court." "I'm willing," said the other. "I'll law you to the Supreme Court." "I'll be there." "And I'll law the hell!" "My attorney will be there," was the calm reply. 一对性情乖僻的老夫妻发生了争吵， 一直闹到地方法官那里。 败诉的一方以一种临战的 姿态冲着对方嚷道：“我要到巡回法庭去告你。” “愿意奉陪。”另一个说。  
“我要到最高法院去告你。” “我也陪你。” “我还要到地狱去告你。” “我的代理人会奉陪的。”对方平静的说。 Skunk 臭鼬 "We have a skunk in the basement," shrieked the caller to the police dispatcher. "How can we get it out?" "Take some bread crumbs," said the dispatcher, "and put down a trail from the basement out to the back yard. Then leave the cellar door open." Sometime later the resident called back. "Did you get rid of it?" asked the dispatcher. "No," replied the caller. "Now I have two skunks in there!" “我们的地下室里有一只臭鼬， ”打电话的人对警察调度员尖叫道。 “我们怎样才能把 它弄出来？” “弄一些面包屑，”调度员说，“从地下室往外铺一条小道直到后院。然后将地下室的 门打开。” 一段时间后，那位居民又将电话打了回来。“你们将它弄出来了吗？”调度员问。 “没有，”打电话的人答道，“现在那儿有两只臭鼬了。” Keys? Kiss?钥匙还是接吻  
导读： 导读： 一个谐音字闹出的笑话。 A friend of mine was giving an English lesson to a class of adult who had recently come to live in the United States. After placing quite a number of everyday objects(日常用品) on a table, he asked various members of the class to give him the objects ruler, the book, the pen and so on. The class went very smoothly and the students seemed interested and serious about the work that they were engaged in until when my friend turned to an Italian student and said, "Give me the keys." The man looked surprised and somewhat at a loss loss(手足无措). Seeing this, my friend thought that the student hadn't heard him clearly, so he repeated. "Give me the keys." The Italian shrugged his shoulders. Then, he threw his arms around the teacher's neck and kissed him on both cheeks The suspicious-looking man drove up to the border, where he was greeted by a sentry. When the guard looked in the trunk, he was surprised to find six sacks bulging at the seams. "What's in here?" he asked. "Dirt," the driver replied. "Take them out," the guard instructed. "I want to check them." Obliging, the man removed the bags, and sure enough, each one of them contained nothing but dirt. Reluctantly, the guard let him go. A week later the man came back, and once again, the sentry looked in the truck. "What's in the bags this time?" he asked. "Dirt, more dirt." said the man.  
Not believing him, the guard checked the sacks and, once again, he found nothing but soil. The same thing happened every week for six months, and it finally became so frustrating to the guard that he quit and became a bartender. Then one night, the suspicious-looking fellow happened to stop by for a drink. Hurrying over to him, the former guard said, "Listen, pal, drinks are on the house tonight if you'll do me a favor: Just tell me what the hell you were smuggling all that time." Grinning broadly, the man leaned close to the bartender's ear and whispered, "Cars." A Smugglar 一个形迹可疑的人开车来到边境，哨兵迎了上去。哨兵在检查汽车行李箱时，惊奇地发 现了六个缝的紧绷绷的大口袋。 “里面装的是什么？”他问道。 “土。”司机回答。 “把袋子拿出来”，哨兵命令道：“我要检查。” 那人老老实实地把口袋搬了出来。一点不假，口袋里除了土什么也没有。哨兵很不情愿 地让他通过了。 一周后，那人又来了，哨兵再次检查汽车上的行李箱。 “这次袋子里装的是什么？”他问道。 “土，又运了一些土。”那人回答。 哨兵不相信，对那些袋子又进行了检查，除了土仍旧一无所获。 同样的事情每周重演一次，一共持续了六个月。最后，哨兵被弄得灰心丧气，干脆辞职 去当了酒吧侍者。有天晚上，那个形迹可疑的人碰巧到哪里喝酒。那位前哨兵急忙迎上前去 对他说，“我说，老兄，你要是能帮我一个忙，今晚的酒就归我请客。你能不能告诉我，那  
段时间你到底在走私什么东西？” 那人俯身过来，凑近侍者的耳朵，裂开嘴笑嘻嘻地说：“汽车。” My First and My Last When George was thirty-five, he bought a small plane and learned to fly it. He soon became very good and made his plane do all kinds of tricks tricks(做各种各样的特技飞行). George had a friend. His name was Mark. One day George offered to take Mark up in his plane. Mark thought, "I've travelled in a big plane several times, but I've never been in a small one, so I'll go." They went up, and George flew around for half an hour and did all kinds of tricks in the air. When they came down again, Mark was very glad to be back safely, and he said to his friend in a shaking voice, "Well, George, thank you very much for those two trips in your plane." Gerogy was very surprised and said, "Two trips?" "Yes, my first and my last," answered Mark. 外语盲出国考察 点菜时出尽洋相 这几年，多有借考察为名到国外公费旅游之事。这些人大都不是技术干部，不会外语，离开 了翻译就寸步难行。 某县商业局的一个"消费结构、消费方式考察团"，到了法国特地聘请了一个翻译，陪他 们尽情地用各种方式消费了半个月， 又在回国途中绕道俄罗斯继续消费。 这些在中国领导消 费新潮流的同志第一次到俄国餐馆消费， 又来不及请俄文翻译， 小姐拿来菜单， 他们看不懂，  
面面相觑。一看菜单上的第一行俄文字最粗最大，估计是餐厅特别推荐的美食佳肴，大家就 以级别高低为序菜单上的第一行点了点，决定消费这个。小姐一愣，很快就将一个大胖子领 了过来。大胖子问发生了什么事。诸位消费专家听不懂，又依次将菜单上的第一行大字点了 一遍。每点一次，大胖子就点头一次，并用手指着自己，幸亏该消费团的团长级别高，水平 也高，马上就明白过来，原来菜单上的第一行大字是这个大胖子经理的名字。消费团却把他 当做特别推荐的美食佳肴给点来消费，谁敢吃呢？ 还有一个某市的考察团到日本，也是到餐厅吃饭，不懂日语，也是点了菜单上的第一行 字，也以为是餐厅隆重推出的好菜。这一次小姐倒没诧异，而是微笑着地鞠躬表示知道了。 可是等了很久，不见小姐把菜送上来。考察团的同志们又把小姐叫了过来，又把菜单上的第 一行日本字点了一次。 小姐又是微笑着深深地一鞠躬表示知道了。 可同志们还是等了很久仍 不风小姐送菜上来。最后不得不请邻桌的一位中国留学生去问。小姐说，早已送过了，两次 都送了。留学生便问领队点了什么菜。领队指着菜单上的第一行字说，喏，就这个。留学生 哈哈大笑， 原来第一行字是餐厅播送闭幕式音乐的曲名。 考察团的同志们倒是两次都听到了， 就是没吃到。 又有几个不懂英语的领导同志组成的考察团到美国餐馆就餐， 也许他们都听到过以上的 笑话，所以就没乱点菜单，而是决定用手势来表示他们要吃什么。他们想喝酸奶。于是大家 就用手拍了拍自己的胸脯，表示"我"，然后又都伸出食指，表示"一"，又同时做了个握杯的 手势，以此表示"我要一杯"，这都很准确，小姐看了也明白无误，可是"酸奶"怎么用手势来 表示呢？大家易想当然地皱起眉头，咧着嘴，像喝了醋似的，表示"酸"。其实在英语中"酸 奶"（yoghurt）毫无"酸"的意思。接着他们又学了一声牛叫："哞"，然后两手握拳，放在胸 部两边，一紧一松，做挤奶的状，小姐看了半天，不明白，他们又表演了一遍：皱眉、咧嘴、 "哞"……..这下小姐恍然大悟，连连说"OK!OK!"于是大家松了一口气，坐等酸奶。过了一会 儿，只见小姐送来的是开水和止痛片，原来她以为诸位先生皱眉、咧嘴，并发出根本不像牛 叫的痛若呻吟，准是牙病。可她始终不明白这些中国男人把两只拳头放在胸前一紧一松，挤 来挤去的是什么意思。 难怪后来有人说，要是团里有几位女同志就好了，男人在胸前能挤出个什么奶呢？  
唉，不会外语，连吃饭点菜都出洋相，这些人出国能考察出个什么来呢？ 美军作战条例 1. You are not a superman. 你不是超人。 （不要无谓的冒险、不要做傻事） 2. If it's stupid but works，it isn't stupid. 如果一个蠢方法有效，那它就不是一个蠢方法。 3.Don't look conspicuous - it draws fire. (This is why aircraft carriers are called “Bomb Magnets”.) 不要太显眼，因为那会引来对方火力攻击。 （这就是航母被称为“炸弹磁铁”的原因。 ） 4. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are. 别和比你勇敢的战友躲在同一个散兵坑里。 5. Never forget that the lowest bidder made your weapon. 别忘了你手上的武器是由最低价的承包商得标制造的。 6. If your attack is going really well， it's an ambush. 如果你的攻击进行得很顺利，那一定是你中了圈套。 7. All five-second grenade fuses will burn down in three seconds. 所有五秒的手榴弹引线都会在三秒内烧完。 8. Try to look unimportant because bad guys may be low on ammo.  
尽量显得是一个无关紧要的人，因为敌人可能弹药不够了。 （他会先打最重要的人） 9. If you are forward of your position，the artillary will fall short. 每当你要攻击前进时，炮兵往往也快要用完了炮弹。 10. The enemy diversion you are ignoring is the main attack. 那支你以为是敌军疑兵而不加注意的部队恰恰就是敌人的攻击主力。 11. The important things are always simple. 重要的事总是简单的。 12. The simple things are always hard. 简单的事总是难作到。 13. The easy way is always mined. 好走的路总是已被敌军布上了地雷。 14. If you are short of everything except enemy. You are in combat. 如果你除了敌人不缺，其它什么都缺，那你往往就要面临作战了。 15. Incoming fire has the right of way. 飞来的子弹有优先通行权。 （挡它的道你就要倒大楣！ ） 16. If the enemy is in range, SO ARE YOU!!! 如果敌人正在你的射程内，别忘了你也在他的射程内。  
17. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspections. 从没有一支完成战备的单位能通过校阅。 18. Things that must be together to work usually can't be shipped together. 必须要装配在一起才能发挥效力的武器装备通常不会一起运来。 19. Radio's will fail as soon as you need fire support desperately. 无线电通讯会有可能在你急需火力支援时失灵。 20. Anything you do can get you shot - including doing nothing. 你作的任何事都可能挨枪子儿 -- 包括你什么都不做。 21. Tracers work both ways. 曳光弹可以帮你找到敌踪；但也会让敌人找到你。 22. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire. 唯一比敌人火力还精确的是友军打过来的炮火。 （误射） 23. Make it tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out. 当你防守严密到敌人攻不进来时，那往往你自己也打出不去。 24. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will have more than your fair share of objectives to take. 如果你多报战功，那下次你会被给予超过你能力的目标让你去打。 （自讨苦吃） 25. When both sides are convinced that they are about to lose, they are both right.  
当两军都觉得自己快输时，那他们可能都是对的。 26. Professional soldiers are predictable but the world is full of amateurs. 专业士兵的行为是你能预测的， 可惜战场上业余的士兵占多数， 因此敌人的行为大部分是你 所无法预测的。 白种人黑种人 这是一篇很容易读懂的英文短诗。 上个世纪， 南非的黑白种族隔离政策曾让非洲原住民 遭到许多不平等待遇，而本诗作者以天生肤色的差异，来表达心中的不满与无奈。 Dear white, something you got to know 亲爱的白种人，有几件事你必须知道。 When I was born, I was black. 当我出生时，我是黑色的 When I grow up, I am black. 我长大了，我是黑色的 When I'm under the sun, I'm black. 我在阳光下，我是黑色的 When I'm cold, I'm black. 我寒冷时，我是黑色的 When I'm afraid, I'm black. 我害怕时，我是黑色的 When I'm sick, I'm black. 我生病了，我是黑色的  
When I die, I'm still black. 当我死了，我仍是黑色的。 you---white people, 你---白种人 When you were born, you were pink. 当你出生时，你是粉红色的 When you grow up, you become white. 你长大了，变成白色的 You're red under the sun. 你在阳光下，你是红色的 You're blue when you're cold. 你寒冷时，你是青色的 You are yellow when you're afraid. 你害怕时，你是黄色的 You're green when you're sick. 你生病时，你是绿色的 You're gray when you die. 当你死时，你是灰色的 And you, call me "color"? 而你，却叫我「有色人种」？ Part-time Job 业余工作 When my son was a high-school sophomore, he got a part-time job-- sacking groceries at a supermarket. He came home all smiles. 我儿子在一所中学读二年级时， 在一家超级市场找到了一份包装商品的业余工作。 他满面笑  
容地回到了家。 "How was your first day?" I asked. “第一天感觉如何？”我问。 "It was great, Dad," he replied. "I got to talk to some good-looking girls." “好极了，爸爸。”他答道，“我跟许多漂亮的女孩子讲了话。” Since Stephen is not very talkative, I asked, "What did you say to them?" 由于斯蒂芬不擅言谈，我问道：“你跟他们说了些什么？” "Do you prefer paper or plastic?" “你是喜欢纸包装还是塑料包装” A Real Watch Dog 真正的导盲犬 A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye dog seeingdog(导盲犬) that guided him everywhere. He walked into the center of the bank floor, took the dog by the chain, and started swinging him around his head. Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked. The other customers were very confused and some very upset at the way the animal was being treated. One of the tellers ran up to the blind man and asked, ''Sir, what are you doing!?!'' The man turned toward the teller and simply said ''Looking around.''  
Frog's Dream 青蛙的梦想 A small frog goes to a fortune teller and asks if he is gonna meet a young girl.The teller tells him, “ Yes, you are.”The frog replies, “Where? In a bar or at a party?”The teller says, “In biology class!” Carrots 胡萝卜 How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight? Have YOU ever seen a rabbit with glasses? Top Salesman 超级推销员 A young guy from Virginia moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Virginia." The boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One."  
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" Kid says, "'101,237.64." Boss says, "'101,237.64? What did you sell him?" Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook(钩). Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod(杆). Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast(海岸； 海滨), so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?" Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons(塞伤口等用的棉塞) for his wife, and I said, 'Well, since your weekend's short, you might as well go fishing.'" Apple and Worm 苹果和虫子 What did the apple say to the worm? You're boring me. 双关语：bore (v.使烦扰, 钻孔) Mother Not Knowing How to Raise Children “Mommy has no idea how to raise children,” said Dingding to his father.  
“How can you say such a thing?” replied the father. “Well, Mommy always sends me to bed at night when I'm not sleepy, and wakes me up in the morning when I am.” A Sense of Achievement “Are the slimming exercises doing you any good?” a man asked his beer-bellied(啤酒肚) colleague. “Can you touch your toes now?” “No, I can't touch them,” the other replied, “but I'm beginning to see them.” Not Having It All Cut Off 还有一些没剪完 Bill Jenkins worked in a big office in the city, and he often went to the barber's during working hours to have his hair cut. This was against the rules since clerks had to have their hair cut in their own time. While Bill was at the barber's one day, the manager of the office came in by chance to have his own hair cut. Bill saw him and tried to hide his face, but the manager came and sat beside him, and he soon recognized him. “Hello, Jenkins,” the manager said. “I see that you are having your hair cut in office time.” “Yes, sir, I am,” admitted Bill calmly. “You see, sir, it grows in office time.” “Not all of it,” said the manager of the office at once. “Some of it grows in your own time.” “Yes, sir, that's quite true,” answered Bill politely, “but I'm not having it  
all cut off.” An Unexpected Hobby Alice lived in the country, but one year she decided to visit the capital city to do some shopping and to go sight-seeing. She stayed at a hotel beside the central market. She had seldom been to the city before, and was very excited about what she would find. On the first morning in the city, as she walked from the hotel to the market, she passed a beggar. On the ground was a notice which said, “Blind ant birth. Please give generously.” Alice felt sorry for the blind beggar and she put a dollar coin into his bowl. “Thank you.” he said. On the third day, however, Alice did not have a dollar coin. She had only fifty cents so she dropped this into the beggar's bowl. The beggar noticed that she gave him less money than the first two times. “Why are you so stingy(吝啬的；小气的) today?” Alice was very surprised by what the beggar said. “How do you know I haven't given you a dollar?” she said, “If you're blind you can't know what coin I put into your bowl.” “Ah,” explained the beggar, “to tell you the truth, I'm not blind. I'm just looking after this place for the regular while he's on holiday.” “Oh, holiday!” Alice exclaimed. “And what exactly does your blind friend do on holiday?” “He goes into the country,” the man said, “And takes photographs. He's a very  
good photographer.”